As many of you now know, I am nearly on the other side of this crazy health saga. Seven and a half months of doctors visits and specialist appointments and laying in my bed. And pain. Plenty of that. Intracranial Hypertension from my Mirena IUD. Who would have ever thought?
I’m rejoining the land of the living now and man. It. Is. Glorious. Seeing friends? Bumping into other human beings? Drinking SELTZER (one of the meds I was on altered my perception of taste, specifically of carbonated beverages, and many other things as well, but wow did I miss seltzer!! So silly, but every single sip now is absolutely, unequivocally, wildly glorious ??. Yes, we are talking about seltzer. If you are new to my story, I hope this gives you some indication of just how sad my life has been ?).
While I was laid up in my often empty house, the sound of our ceiling fan clicking as my only company, I was asleep or doubled over in pain, with endless opportunity to be still and reflect on and ponder all sorts of things. I was alone for hours and days and weeks when my family went on some of our planned vacations or were out living life in the real world. I had nothing but time and minimal distractions…talking on the phone was out as the sound sensitivity made my screaming headache worse. Reading was a no-go as my eyes couldn’t move without pain. Visits were exhausting. Sitting upright caused many physiological issues (color changes, heart racing, full body sweating). So I was mostly just laying. Still. Quiet. Hoping my heavy duty pain meds would help a sister out…that was what my whole day looked like. Day after day after groundhog day.
I was truly blessed to have an army of people show up for me in countless ways and it was a real education for me. I am, I would say, overall a pretty nice person and have been on the helping side before. I’ve created and participated in meal trains for friends when they’ve birthed babies or lost loved ones. I have helped watch the children of friends at the last minute when they have had things come up. I have sent flowers and kind notes. I have donated to GoFundMe accounts after reading stories of new diagnoses and tragedy and medical bills and struggle and loss and recovery for family and friends. I am generally good at reaching out via text when I learn that things go south. Sharing love is something I deeply enjoy doing. But now having been on the receiving end of such wonderful and much appreciated help during this challenging period of my life, I realize that my methods were decent, but they need work. I was so thankful to be surrounded by people on this journey who were creative, thoughtful, consistent, and doting. I really have so much to learn from the many beautiful people I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by in my life. In some ways I feel like I just audited a class: The Anatomy of a Helping Hand 101. I share with you my notes so that you too can benefit from the beauty of this dark time. I’m compiling it for you and also for me. I look forward to finally being officially on the other side of this whole experience so that I can dive in and help others in more impactful ways than I ever did before. I hope some of these ideas might spark some creativity for you too, so that you can help the people you care about, instead of feeling helpless, like there is nothing that can be done. The truth is, nothing *can* be done or said to undo a loss or a medical situation or challenging scenario. I used to think my efforts needed to be on a grande scheme in order to be appreciated…and sometimes the fear of not doing *enough* prevented me from doing anything. Now I know for sure, though, that even the tiniest token of your time or words or a thoughtfully procured trinket mean the absolute world.
Here is a list of some of the many ways people showed up for me during the last seven and a half months, and a list of ideas I hope to be able to draw from the next time I am in a position to help.
1.Hand-written cards. It’s been so long since I’ve written a note and put it in the mail. It used to be one of my favorite things to do/receive, but a simple note can do wonders for an aching heart (and head).
2. Flowers. I know it seems so trite and over done, but when you’re not really leaving your house, having something beautiful to look at and smell is a gift to the human spirit.
3. Potted plants (orchids, lavender, jasmine, aloe, succulents). Plants that need minimal care, that have specific health benefits based on whatever your friends or family need are so nice. For example, I learned that aloe plants help to detoxify the air and promote healing. Lavender helps with sleep. Jasmine promotes stress relief and relaxation. Orchids are pretty to look at and succulents are easy to tend to and remind you that someone cares. So thoughtful.
4. Hugs. Many times, there are no words in the world that can be said or any action that could ever be done that could make anything better…in those cases sometimes just showing up (physically, emotionally over text or Marco Polo or email or the phone) makes a big difference.
5. Coffee or green juice. It seems so simple, but bringing a drink and a smile is an immediate mood lifter.
6. A case of lunchbox ready snacks. It was the first week of school, we hadn’t really gotten into any “back to school groove” yet and a dear friend was thoughtful enough, while out grocery shopping for her own family, that she thought maybe some easy, healthy foods that could simply be tossed into our kids’ lunch boxes would be helpful. She was sooooo right. Genius.
7. Treats, toys, activities for the kids. Life was stressful for our kiddos…something that it took me months to even recognize since I was so lost in my own hurt. It was difficult for them to see me laid up for so long. Thinking of them and bringing a bright spot into their worried little worlds was so amazing.
8. Taking the kids for play dates or sleepovers. Much as I wanted to be with the kids, it was impossible to rest and heal with the swirling noise of four smallish to biggish sized humans. Making them feel special and wanted and invited and giving them a safe space to play and be carefree and loud (and not shushed at every turn, since every sound hurt my head). It allowed them to feel connected to their buddies, and that was a gift worth a million dollars.
9. Carpools. If your hurting person has kids and you’re aware of their school or activity schedule to some degree and are headed to the same place or a nearby field or if you’re on the same team or if you have a free moment and can scoop up their child, it is monumentally helpful to take one thing off their plate.
10. Rides to appointments. I had a series of multi-hour IV treatments that I needed to drive to the city to receive. One of the meds in the cocktail was Ativan, which effectively rendered me unable to drive home. Family members and friends would drive me in and drop me off and others would come to pick me up. Other times I took an Uber. If your person is getting a treatment like this, or chemo or radiation, offering to sit with them (if that is an option) or to drive them over or give Uber gift cards if it is something ongoing, is a big help to both the primary caregivers and also the patient or friend.
11. Candles or essential oils that are designed for healing. Many times when you’re going through something, there is nothing you can do, yourself. It’s a helpless feeling. But lighting a candle that comes with a pretty poem about wellness or healing or diffusing an essential oil or rolling it on (and remembering that someone cared enough to make it or give it to you) is so lovely.
12. Crystal bracelet with stones meant to promote healing. Or a necklace from the Giving Keys. Every time I wear the crystal moonstone bracelet I was given, I remember that someone thought of me and that there is some healing happening someway, somehow. And The Giving Keys necklaces (www.thegivingkeys.com) are a wonderful idea for a gift for someone on a difficult journey. The company employs women transitioning out of homelessness in the downtown LA area. The repurposed keys have different words stamped on them (faith, hope, believe, strength, inspire, etc). The idea is that it is to be worn by your person to remind them to be strong, or that they are enough or loved. When they’ve gotten to the other side of their pain, it is asked that they share it with someone who is at a difficult point in their own journey. A pay it forward concept. Just beautiful.
13. Gift cards to restaurants. If you know a local restaurant that your friend likes or frequents and you can drop a gift card in the mail so they can buy pizza with ease or a special meal they can order in, that’s amazing.
14. Meal trains or just texting someone to say that dinner tonight is coming and will be dropped off at a certain time. Food is always helpful. No matter what size a family, any time you can take the thought away from having to plan for, buy food for, prep for and serve a meal…that is ALWAYS welcomed. Breakfast is always an option too. When the family was out of town, friends brought by warm eggs or quiche and coffee…which was amazing because I had no energy to make food for only myself so I wouldn’t eat or I would shuffle to get a banana. When I was healthy and on the helping side, I never wanted to barge in to a friends house as I didn’t know if they had a plan for dinner or if they could use it that night…now I know the blessing of having a freezer full of options that you or your family members can choose from to reheat is so so wonderful. Also, another friend dropped off ingredients to make a few pizzas. While I wasn’t able to participate, it was one of Pat’s favorite nights with the kids and it changed things up from the normal dinner doldrums.
15. Ordering a meal for someone and having it delivered. A ride or die friend from out of town figured out where my favorite sushi place was and coordinated with a neighbor to have it picked up when I was home alone and my family was on our vacation. To have that amazing treat delivered to my front door was unbelievably thoughtful and it meant the entire world to me.
16. S’mores and a chat. While Molly was seeing fireworks for the first time ever up in New York with our crew and I was listening to the clicking of my fan in bed, a friend asked what my Fourth of July plans were. Obviously seeing (and hearing) fireworks were completely out of the question with my screaming headache. She was making s’mores with her own family and thought of me home alone, so she came over with a plate of browned marshmallow melted chocolate graham cracker goodness and sat for a bit to chat. Having the company was nice, as was the thematically relevant treat. It reminded me that I was a human being having a human experience in this world.
17. Seasonal or local treats. A wonderful family friend sent caramel candy apples in the fall, another sent mini cupcakes from a prominent DC bakery, another sent an assortment of world renowned macarons, and another sent gigantic peanut butter cups (my favorite). Another friend dropped off a Christmas ornament of an angel that said “I said a prayer for you today.” Anything that brings a celebratory vibe to a sad house, that sings the song of the season is such a lovely idea.
18. Themed gift package to help you feel included at an event you’ll be missing. There was a 40th birthday party of a dear friend and our entire neighborhood gang of bests were there. It was a white party and I was, of course, so sad to be in my bed, again. But a kind friend put together a little collection of white treats so I could feel like I was part of the fun. White chocolate peanut butter cups. A White Christmas DVD. A white chapstick. It was above and beyond and it helped me feel like even though I couldn’t be there with everyone, I was connected somehow and had my more-appropriate-for-the-moment white experience at home.
19. Fruit baskets. These were fabulous. We got a few and it was wonderful for the kids to snack on something healthy (especially if we hadn’t been to the store in a bit to replenish our fruit supply). It was healing and lovely.
20. Snack food baskets. Again, so awesome to have some special treat snack mixes and different types of chips or peanut butter or nuts etc. The kids always need to eat and they always love snacks and special goodies.
21. Homemade cookies or breads. Comfort foods or treats for the kids, for the family and babysitters who are here to help, or things to be able to offer or put out when friends and family come to visit is incredible.
22. Books and magazines. While I was unable the first several months to move my eyes in a way that allowed me to read, it would be so helpful for someone laid up from an injury or illness to pass the time and be transported to another place. Some had suggested audiobooks which would have been awesome if I was in my car more or could have figured it out on my phone but again, another great thought.
23. A new coffee mug. It seems so little, but it was so nice to have a little updated trinket to embed into my routine. If your person prefers tea or another cozy beverage, something to help facilitate that would be a thoughtful contribution.
24. Teabags. Again, such a small and easy thing, but when paired with a beautiful letter full of love and virtual hugs, it is such a heartwarming idea.
25. Heating blanket. In the depths of my adrenal failure following my extended course of high dose prednisone, I was an icy cold human in a 70 degree house, even while wearing slippers and sweatshirts and hooded winter coats. I opened the door to receive a friend (who had texted while out shopping in December and asked if I had yet bought the kids’ teachers’ gifts…clearly, no…so she asked for a price range and texted pictures and bought them for me. What an angel!!) and when she saw me shivering in my crazy getup, she returned hours later with an electric blanket. It has been so so so nice to lay in bed with the kids watching movies, toasty warm under my new favorite blanket. Beyond thoughtful.
26. Healing mixtures of epsom bath salts. Again, such an easy thing to find and share but something I would have never thought to give to a friend going through a difficult time. Healing and detoxifying and relaxing…it was so incredibly thoughtful.
27. A day of paid-for childcare so I could go to doctors appointments and rest. Once more, so smart! That was so enormously helpful and we were SO appreciative of that generous and thoughtful present. A giant exhale amidst the madness. It allowed our parents (our primary helpers) to rest. We never expected this chapter to last so long. But it did…and having extra hands to help the kids (and my husband and parents and inlaws) was a giant present.
28. Gift card for a mani/pedi. Toward the end as I began to have more spurts of energy, this was, again, so nice to have the chance to participate in self-care. A special treat. Something to look forward to.
29. Texting photos to me of my kids participating in events I would normally be at but couldn’t attend. This was one of my very favorite things, genuinely. When my phone dinged and I could get a visual or a video of my kids playing their sport or doing a craft with their buddies or in parades or laughing with friends…it made me. SO. HAPPY. When I am well, I am often running around snapping photos and sending them to friends who are at work or couldn’t be there for some reason. And I love pictures and was beyond desperate to see them out in the world, with their buddies or cousins or grandparents to see them thriving. When I did get them, it made my heart leap. Pure gold. Or a text to share a cute conversation they had with one of the kids. It’s a good reminder for all of us to remember people in our day to day lives who have to miss moments for a thousand reasons. It’s so easy to take a quick pic or send a text.
30. An invitation to go for a slow walk with me. I have basically been on bedrest for more than half a year. Where I used to fly out the door and run like a speed demon around the neighborhood…now I was shuffling around the house and weaker than I’ve ever been. Kids come run to give me hugs and nearly knock me over because I have no core strength. To have someone coordinate and walk with me around the neighborhood was really nice. It was like moving therapy.
31. A calendar full of inspirational quotes. It arrived in January and helped me know that I now have an entire year ahead of me, hopefully one full of health and wellness and joy…and for any days that aren’t exactly quite that, there is a pick yourself up quote to remind me that tomorrow is another day. So kind.
32. Hands-on help to wrap Christmas gifts. Something that normally takes any family many hours to handle was done in just over one, when three friends came over one dark December night to help me to organize and wrap. They took time out of their own busy life and work schedules to help me. Their offer. I mean. How lucky am I? Additionally, my brain was in such a bad way that family members had been asking what to buy for the kids and I honestly could not even come up with one single thing. Weeks after I’d pulled off of my main neuro med, suddenly the ideas for gifts started flowing…after the holidays had ended. A girlfriend who is in the know about all things, thoughtfully sent me links of hot-ticket items and I literally clicked and paid and had them shipped. My sisters-in-law bought gifts for their own kids and wrapped them and said they were from me, or paid for gifts and I venmo-ed her. Without their help, I don’t know what we would have done.
33. Coming to sit on the edge of my bed or at my kitchen table to listen and cry and hug and fill me in on life outside my house. Something I always did all the time, if someone I knew was dealing with a health issue or loss or life struggle, when meeting up and they unloaded their mental baggage…when they then asked me how I was, I’d say “oh gosh, we’re fine, boring, no updates here…” Compared to their woes and burdens, anything I could share, difficult or joyful, seemed trite and trivial and unnecessary to bother them with, given all that they had on their plates. But being on the other side, sometimes all you actually want to know is the silly gossip or team updates or kid mishaps. Even the seemingly insignificant things you are handling – taking a moment to mentally take your friend or family member away from their own swirl of pain is a real treat. It also keeps your connection alive so you don’t fall so out of touch. Even if it is just a text that gets read days from now, it was always so wonderful to hear.
Before this all happened with me, never wanting to intrude or impose, I normally would not physically go over to a friend’s home and knock on their door because I didn’t know if my grieving friend was having a bad day or crying or needing quiet time or if my sick or postpartum friend (or her baby) was resting. When reaching out via email or text I would say with earnest empathy “please know that I am always here for you and it would make me so happy to help out in any way you need…a meal, a carpool, a hug…whatever you need, I’m right here for you.” Only now do I recognize that those words put all of the effort squarely on my loved one’s shoulders. My intent was genuine and pure – if ever they called or needed a single solitary thing, I was 1,000% their girl. I’d be there in a heartbeat. But. Looking back? I now see that it is really, really hard to ask for help. Especially when you feel like human garbage. I now know to take ownership of that help. To offer whatever you are able and then just tell them it will be there at 5pm or tomorrow…unless that’s a bad time…just let me know when. You take the control and do. It makes it so much easier for the hurting person. The times friends showed up unannounced with hot meals or little gifts or offers to take the kids, I was often moved to tears. If knocking is disruptive, hanging one of the above gifts on a front door works too.
Additionally, I learned that there is no “window” of acceptable times to lend a hand. Often, if time had passed and I hadn’t yet sent my flowers or meal to a friend in need, I worried that perhaps I was too late…that maybe my efforts would wrongly seem like an afterthought, even though I’d been thinking of them all along. I realize, now, that timing doesn’t matter. Generally, at the start of a rough patch or illness or loss, there is an initial wave of reinforcements as your tribe rallies around you. But then the help slows down. People have to get back to work or their own families…and that makes total sense. The beautiful and fortuitous part for me was that people kept showing up. Or new people popped in weeks and months after I had fallen. To be lucky enough to have been thought of and remembered even after the flow of people slowed down is just as beautiful and warm as day one. It’s never too late to reach out to those you love. Even if you were busy in your own life when things went south for your person, and weeks or months have passed after a loss or illness…sometimes it’s even more wonderful for someone to receive a token of your heart once they’ve had some time to process it all.
Again, this list is as much for me as it is for you, to remember down the road, in case our helping hands and busy minds need a refresher. I hope this might be helpful for you as you move forward in life and show up to support your loved ones.
To all those who showed up for me via one of the many ways listed above, from the bottom of my boundlessly grateful heart, even though these words could never be enough to convey the depth of my appreciation… thank you. Your generous helping hands carried me through our family’s darkest storm. Many, eternal, gigantic thanks. ❤️
Be well!
Care to share your thoughts?