Where I’m At Today

Ah, the power of inertia. Like gravity, I suppose, it’s actually real. I’m channeling today the profound lesson of the incredible design guru Bobby Berk (from our family favorite show, Queer Eye), he was sharing with someone he was helping who was in a rut…. “to just start with one thing. Begin somewhere. Do something. One thing. Anything.” And, before you know it, that one thing leads to two things, which leads to an inspired, and more importantly, completed checklist with checks in boxes. This was echoed by the sentiments of a dear friend, the repeated, gentle nudges of my husband, pleads from my mom, and cheers from my uncle.  So today. The one thing I’ve been putting off is writing.  I’m finally getting out of my own way. 

This chilly, bright, blue-skied January Wednesday, full of questions and pandemic and loneliness and hungry squirrels and birds hoping to find their next meal, while pecking away at the frozen ground. Not dissimilar to these little suburban critters attempting to dig up lunch from the frozen earth, I sort of feel a bit like I’m banging my own head against the proverbial (rock solid frozen) wall, hoping to find some beautiful answers to life’s biggest questions amidst the madness. Who am I, today in this season?  What do I want out of this one precious life? Who are the people I desire to surround myself with? And how can I celebrate the ones who continue to show they care? How can I show up for myself better?  What are the needs of my household and can I ensure that I’m carving out time for myself? Is there space for, and if so, what are the crafts, skills, hobbies, professions I want to pursue?  How can I be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, citizen of the world? 

Also…. Is there an end to this pandemic…. And if so, whennnnnn exactly is that and how can I do everything in my power to expedite that? 

I feel that most all of us, at this point, have been jostled and have received quite a few bumps and bruises along the way, these past almost-two-years. Some have switched jobs, lost jobs, found jobs, created jobs. Others have moved… some states, some neighborhoods, some countries, some houses… upsized, downsized, had family members move in or pass on. Anxiety and depression are so commonplace among so many that they are regularly being discussed in the news and in doctors offices. We have been sick. We have been well. Gained weight, lost weight. Drank every night of the week, abstained for months. Enjoyed the quiet and felt suffocated by it. We’ve hid out, quarantined, been exposed. There’s endless antigen tests and PCRs.  Vaccines. Boosters. Mandates. And yet still, somehow, flu shots. New diagnoses. Deaths. Divorces. Marriages. Babies conceived and delivered and miscarried. Friends made and lost. Drawers organized. Rooms remodeled. Investments made. Debt accrued or diminished. Burnout… from work, life, people, loneliness, the slog of living in this new way and endless conversations about the insanity that, simply, now, is. Relationships that have been mended and broken because of politics or practices. Eyes opened to disparities and inequalities in our local communities and also on a global scale. Holidays have come and gone…. Some celebrated with joy and others silent, riddled with family members who have tested positive or out of fear for such. Grief. There have been peaks and waves… and peaks within waves. We’ve been every color of the rainbow…but today, in New Jersey, we are red. That never feels…great. That’s the color of alarm. Fear. Triggering… sending me back to 2001 and our nation’s terrorist threat levels when it was time to board a plane. 

During my morning meditation, this one focusing on kindness, Anna Greenberg from Peloton encouraged me to love myself. To look at myself, sitting across the room. With all the feeling and overcoming and hurting and growing and living that I’ve been so busy doing… to just bathe myself in kindness, as I would a friend. Whether what I’ve done is too much or not enough, exactly right or terribly wrong… it is enough. I am enough.  And I’m doing great. 

Sigh. That felt so nice. 

So. 

In case no one has mentioned to you… beautiful, fabulous, strong, incredible YOU… in a while… YOU are enough. And you’re doing great, sweetie. This whole life is an absolute sh!t show. But look at you. You’re doing it!  It’s hard. And we have bandaids and bumps and burns from all the living we are trying to do. Wading through the madness of walking through the fire. But!  Here you are. Still here. Still showing up. Still being present. For all of it. 

So. Wherever you are… remember you have infinite amounts of love to give.  Why not give some to yourself today? One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Just keep going and keep loving yourself through it all. Like Anna said, see yourself from across the room and love on YOU today. And, like Bobby says, if this resonates, start somewhere small for yourself. Do one thing that will make you happy. Help you heal. Bring you peace. This world can be unkind…but still it is beautiful, too. And if you’re feeling any of the above, or nothing at all, or something entirely different…. You’re not alone. I see you. And you’re doing it. Just keep going. Asking the questions, maybe finding some answers (plucked, perhaps, even from the cold frosted earth). Just keep being, trying, failing, trying again. And loving yourself every step of the way.  You’re worth it. And you’re doing great.